How Many Dates Before Sleeping Around? | The Perfect Number

Sleeping with someone while dating is always a big deal because it marks the onset of a new phase. While it should be done when one’s comfortable enough, often waiting for too long to get comfortable sends all the wrong messages. So, is there a perfect number of dates before you begin sleeping around?

Wait for at least 3 dates before sleeping with someone. These 3 dates should not happen within less than 15 days. In between, stay in touch with the person through calls and texts. Call durations could be around 15-30 minutes each. This gives you enough time to judge compatibility to some extent.

Getting physical on the first date should be avoided if possible. The whole point of going on dates before getting intimate is about testing the waters before committing yourself to something.

Can I Sleep With Someone On The First Date?

You should not sleep with someone on the very first date if you are interested in a long-term relationship. First-date hookups are notorious for killing all mystery and chemistry. However, sleeping around from the third date or even the nth date does not guarantee different results.

If you are a person who doesn’t put a lot of thought into things and believes in going with the flow, don’t stop yourself when the moment comes.

Calculate the safety-related risks that come with getting too close to someone new too soon. But if everything checks out and you feel all is well, go ahead.

However, do not carry any guilt afterward.

Also, remember that sleeping with a person on the first date does not give you an edge over the date developing into something long-term.

This is important if you feel pressured into doing it because you fear the other person might leave you if you refuse.

Can I Sleep With Someone On The First Date

What About The Follow Through?

It’s quite possible that after spending the night, your date would stop showing any further interest in you. If that happens, don’t see it as a loss.

Such people are not worth it. It’s better that you found out about them sooner without investing much.

But if you’re sure that your date isn’t shallow and wants a connection with you, sleeping with them on the first date won’t matter much.

They would only want to know you more and see more of you. There will be a different sense of closeness in your future dates because you’ve slept with each other.

If you got physical too soon, it doesn’t mean you can skip over the part where you try to build the emotional connection.

Also, giving in to your desire on the first date doesn’t mean that your date has easy access to your body whenever they want or stop putting in any effort.

You can still say no. Let your date earn it the next time and make them work for it.

What Is The nth Date Rule For Sleeping With Someone? (3rd, 5th, 10th, etc.)

The nth date rule is to wait till ‘n’ number of dates before sleeping with the person you’re dating. Holding off physical intimacy for n>=3 dates is to minimize the chances of getting ditched after a one-night stand. Mostly, only genuinely interested people stick around for more than 3 dates.

The objective is to avoid making you look desperate and gauge that the other person is not just there for physical pleasure with a certain amount of accuracy.

N dates are supposed to give you enough time to set boundaries and communicate your expectations.

Following this rule helps you create trust and mutual respect before getting involved physically.

You can make sure that you are not opening doors for any toxicity in your life.

Not only are you sharing your personal space with this person, but also exchanging energies.

You definitely don’t want to let any negative energy rule your life.

Sleeping on the first date doesn’t let you assess the person with much accuracy and make a wise decision about staying or leaving them.

How To Ensure You Are Sleeping With A High-Quality Person?

Ensure you’re sleeping with a high-quality person by vetting for traits like good hygiene, sharp-dressing sense, knowledgeable mind, and a kind heart. Further, look for emotional maturity in the person by reading what they want to convey when they talk and observing how they treat other people.

Here is a detailed version of what to look for in a person you want to sleep with:

1. They Are Well Groomed Inside Out

The person you choose to sleep with should know how to take care of both their inner and outer appearance.

While outer appearance pertains to being well dressed, clean, and fragrant, inner appearance is all about being confident, knowledgeable, having a kind heart, strong character, and a sharp mind.

Your date should understand the importance of being physically and mentally fit.

2. Open To Exploring And Learning

Whether in bed or out in the world, a high-quality person is open to exploring new things and learning to get knowledge.

Moreover, they listen to your needs and understand them instead of showing ego or being defensive.

Your date should believe in refining and improving themselves to facilitate the growth of intimacy and emotional bonds.

3. They Invest In You

A high-quality person knows how to treat their date well. They will put effort into keeping you happy and making the dates worth your time.

But, they will not come off as someone trying hard just to sleep with you. A quality person brings so much to the table that they do not need to try hard.

You’ll be impressed by what they have already. Further, they’ll not be reluctant to invest their time and energy in you.

They’ll also try and build a different connection with you other than just clicking on an intimate level.

4. A Visibly Mature Person

Let’s beat a myth out of our way. “The older a person is, the more mature they are.” Not true. Age has nothing to do with maturity.

Yes, being older does help, but several younger people are more mature, wise, and responsible than their older counterparts.

Now, remember, there are high chances that you’ll have a better time with an emotionally mature person.

Plus, they’ll take responsibility for their mistakes and won’t be afraid of calling you out over yours because they do not want to please you at any cost, unlike someone immature.

Your date should believe in resolving issues rather than creating a scene and fighting over it.

A Visibly Mature Person

5. A Good Natured Person

A bit of cockiness and confidence is a fresh change and is okay. But one should not stretch it to the extent of being rude, arrogant, or selfish.

Being around your date shouldn’t feel suffocating, and you shouldn’t bear it just because they’re hot.

Having a kind, giving, caring, and empathetic date is always better in the long run, even if it means leaving a few attractive but immature people out.

They are good to you and to others around them. Their nice behavior isn’t a façade and just to impress you.

6. Follows A Good Hygiene Routine

Having a good hygiene routine is different from turning up on a date all tip-top and well-groomed as a one-time thing.

Dressing up is an activity, hygiene is a routine. When thinking of getting intimate with a date, personal hygiene should be your priority.

A quality person always takes personal hygiene seriously and expects you to do the same.

They smell good and fresh, take regular baths, and have good oral health. Even their living space is as neat and clean as themselves.

They like keeping things tidy and clean up immediately if something looks out of place.

7. They Have Standards

Your date should not let you treat them casually, just because you’re attractive and they’re into you. Respect is a two-way street.

If they don’t get any in return, still hanging out with you shows a lack of self-respect. They should not only respect you but also expect the same in return.

High-quality people are honest and transparent about their thoughts and needs because they do not have time for childish games.

They have a set of rules to live by, and they make sure they communicate the same to you.

8. Don’t Sleep Around With Everyone

A high-quality person doesn’t jump into bed with anyone and everyone.

As mentioned in Multiple Partners and Partner Choice as Risk Factors for Sexually Transmitted Disease Among Female College Students:

Multiple sexual partners and partner choice are believed to increase the risk of sexually transmitted disease (STD).

Gavin et. al, 1992, Multiple Partners and Partner Choice as Risk Factors for Sexually Transmitted Disease Among Female College Students, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Vol. 19, No. 5 (September-October 1992), pp. 272-278 (7 pages), Published By: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins.

If their carnal escapades in a foreign land are the only thing they talk about, you should know right off the bat that you’ll just be another person on their list.

Further, high-quality people believe in the concept of exclusivity and not sleeping with someone new every night to feel a sense of achievement.

They understand the health risk involved for both partners.

9. High-Quality Dates Respect Your Boundaries

Low-quality people will try and manipulate you into doing stuff they want and throw a fit when you don’t comply according to their whims and fancies.

High-quality ones will never force you to do things that you don’t like, whether it’s something as small as a kiss or as big as sleeping with you.

They believe in respecting boundaries. They will happily accept your decisions and freely share theirs.

You would always feel like an equal when making decisions that will affect the two of you.

10. You Feel Safe With The Person

You’ll trust them and feel safe around them to the extent that you’ll willingly step outside your comfort zone.

So, even if you’ve never kissed someone on the first date, you’ll be willing to go all the way with a high-quality person.

Also, high-quality people won’t make you feel insecure about yourself and force you to compete with other potential dates.

When with you, you’ll have their exclusive attention.

True, other people might be hitting on them all the time, but they won’t use that to make you do things you won’t do otherwise.

In fact, they’ll make you feel good about yourself whenever you feel low seeing some extreme competition from people more attractive than you.

You Feel Safe With The Person

11. Communication Is Easy With Them

Talking to a high-quality date should feel easy. You won’t have to put a lot of effort and thought into talking about things you believe they’d like.

Why? Because they’d make you feel comfortable about yourself and the date even before you can begin getting nervous about it.

Many people deliberately try to act smart on dates to make the other person nervous and to assert dominance somehow.

They neg the other person to show that ‘I am the superior one’. This screams of a low-quality mindset.

But everything feels natural and free when on a date with a high-quality individual.

Even if you do or say something silly out of nervousness, they don’t judge you for that.

When To Sleep With Someone While Dating?

Sleep with someone while dating only when you want to and are ready. Ensure your date doesn’t manipulate or blackmail you emotionally into sleeping with them. Also, don’t do it just because your friends laugh at you for taking too long. It’s better to delay than jump into it without thought.

The thought of being intimate with them shouldn’t scare you.

Physical intimacy is supposed to be one of the many great things you are supposed to experience with a date. It should not be the only thing you experience.

1. When You Are Comfortable

You should think of sleeping with your date only when you know them well enough to be comfortable around them.

A person having judgemental eyes who makes you conscious about your looks and your body is not an ideal person to spend time with, leave alone sleeping.

You shouldn’t be afraid to show your true self around them. The touch of your date shouldn’t make you feel nothing.

If the thought of being intimate with this person doesn’t make you feel butterflies in your stomach, you are with the wrong person.

2. There Are No Risks Involved

You should not feel stressed about the aftereffects of sleeping with your date.

The person should be open about their past intimate experiences with you and shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

When we say being open, it does not mean giving out private details. It only refers to sharing your true body count without the fear of being judged.

Also, if your date is dating multiple people simultaneously, you should know about it transparently.

Your date should be responsible enough to take all the precautions and measures to avoid getting an STD.

3. You Feel Some Connection

Physical intimacy without some sense of being connected with the person feels meaningless and empty to most.

It can also leave you more lonely and confused if you did it only to find someone special in life.

Without an emotional connection, it becomes more about physical needs than the act of making love.

Do it when you feel that the person knows you and understands your feelings.

You should enjoy the time spent with them, and their company should make you happy.

The purpose of dates is to create a bond with the person and match each other’s vibes.

4. Both Of You Are On The Same Page

You can sleep with a person when you feel that the other person wants it too. They’ll make their intentions clear many times.

Just like you don’t want to be pressured into getting physical, make sure you aren’t pressuring anyone into it.

They will give ample hints through subtle flirting, teasing, and some double entendres.

When with you, their body language will show their eagerness and inclination.

All these together would clearly indicate they are interested in sleeping with you. Don’t initiate it if you feel otherwise.

It can be pretty awkward and insanely difficult to get back to a normal point if your mistimed initiation backfires.

5. When You Get To Know Them To Some Extent

Do it only when you feel that you know the person well enough to share your personal space with.

You should trust the person enough to the extent that you’re sure they won’t exploit you in one way or the other.

Their intentions should be pure, and they should have made things quite clear to you whether they are looking for something serious or not.

If even one of you wants it to be a casual thing, it should be conveyed thoroughly so that nobody feels cheated in some way due to a misunderstanding.

When You Get To Know Them To Some Extent

6. Your Date Sparks An Inexplicable Desire In You

You should sleep with your date only when you feel that burning desire inside to get intimate. The person should light a fire in you and be irresistible.

Their touch should feel extremely sensual, and you are expected to get turned on.

If none of this is happening, maybe you’re just doing it to follow a social norm rather than actually wanting to do it.

You will know when the right moment comes, and both of you won’t be able to keep your hands off each other.

Sleeping with someone just for the sake of it is never an enjoyable experience anyway.

If anything, it will leave you with loads of guilt about making bad choices.

Red Flags To Look Out For Before Sleeping With Someone While Dating

Actively looking for these red flags in a person will help you filter out a ton of unworthy people.

Just dipping your hands into gasoline is enough to leave the pungent smell for a long time. You don’t need to be soaked in it for hours.

Being with the wrong person, even for a short while, can have lifelong traumatizing effects.

1. Disgusting Hygiene And Dangerous Habits

Sleeping with a person with gross habits like not showering regularly, lack of proper oral hygiene, wearing dirty clothes, etc., can put you at risk of STIs and STDs.

Also, the person should be honest about their body count and whether they are sleeping with someone else actively.

It’s a huge red flag if they are physically involved with others at present but don’t use any precaution.

2. Do Not Get Tested for STDs Regularly

Make sure you get tested for STDs regularly if you’ve been regularly getting physical with one or more people during the last 3 months.

And then go ahead and openly ask your date when was the last time they got tested if they too have been doing the same.

If this person is even remotely mature, they won’t feel offended. Instead, they would try to look at the situation rationally.

Someone who gets mad at you for asking such a thing isn’t the person you should be with, even if they’re squeaky clean and without any STD.

3. You Realize The Person Is A Player

If the person you are dating is a player, create your distance if you’re looking for something long-term unless you want to get burned.

A person playing with your emotions and trying to use you for their gains is not someone you would want to sleep with.

What happens when you get addicted to them? They would know you are vulnerable around them and will do anything they ask.

You’ll be the one who’ll get hurt after the dust settles down, or even worse, you would become their puppet.

4. The Person Is Overly Mysterious

People keep many aspects of their lives a secret when dating someone new. It’s understandable and expected.

There is no need to spill out everything. You should only share things that might negatively affect the other person if they remain oblivious to them.

But if you do not know anything about the other person, it is a huge problem. Sleeping with a very secretive person is dangerous for you.

You don’t know anything about them or their past and what kind of a person you are letting in your life.

You won’t know what this person is going to do to you. It would kill you from within because they don’t express themselves or share their feelings with you.

It’s hard to find out what is going on in their mind, their life, and how they feel about you.

You will lose your peace of mind, and constantly worrying about your date will consume you.

More often than not, staying in touch with such people after being intimate with them is not easy. There are high chances that you’ll be ghosted.

5. They Don’t Invest In You

Intimacy should be earned.

It’s not wise to develop any relationship with a person who is unwilling to invest in you, be it their time, energy, money or emotions.

You can’t count on such a person to be with you because they’ll leave you at any moment without losing a thing. Investing in a person is risky.

If they never take that risk, what do they have to lose? You should let this person work for you.

Let them put some effort into getting your attention and affection.

6. Your Date Is A Toxic Individual

These are the people you want to stay miles away from, let alone be physically involved with.

You are dating a toxic person if they are sucking the life out of you. A toxic person would kill your confidence.

They’ll often have anger issues, and you’ll be scared of how they will react next.

One minute they’ll shower you with love, and the very next moment, they will treat you like a piece of trash.

They’ll get into your nerves and make you go crazy. Meeting them would always feel exhausting.

7. Past Relationship Traumas

Dating a person who still hasn’t healed from past experiences can be a roller coaster ride you would not want to be a part of.

You would ultimately end up carrying their baggage of emotions. It will consume you completely.

You won’t have time to think about yourself and what you want but invest all your time and effort into helping them deal with their feelings.

Their low energy will pull you down as well.

It will be selfish on their part, but they wouldn’t even realize what they are doing to you since they’ll be engrossed in their own misery.

Past Relationship Traumas

8. You Are A Rebound

Rebound relationships are never fulfilling. You would know if you’re a rebound if your date constantly talks about their ex rather than focusing on you.

They’ll never try and make a connection with you because they only see you as an excellent temporary distraction from their grief.

It isn’t easy to emotionally reach out to such people. A person going through a breakup is not looking for anything serious.

They are least likely to commit to you even after sleeping with you. You’ll be discarded quickly if their ex contacts them sometime soon.

9. You Don’t See Yourself Together In Future

You are dating the wrong person if you don’t see yourself with them later down the road.

You’ll know for sure that your thoughts don’t match and you are two completely different people. There would be no compatibility.

Sleeping with such a person should be avoided.

Developing a physical relationship would be a waste of time unless you are looking for something purely physical.


Honestly, what number works for others may not work for you. Treat everything you’ve read till now not as the Bible but as a general guideline.

Listen to your instincts and do what feels right. Sleeping with someone on the first, third, or even the nth date is all about fun and pleasure.

Make sure you are not putting yourself at risk of a disease or an emotional attachment where the other person doesn’t feel the same.

Shashank Verma

A trained theatre actor and a STEM graduate who brings perspectives and methods from these worlds into dating and relationships. Also a big time Krav Maga enthusiast and practitioner.

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