Your husband texting a female co-worker more than usual is bound to set off some fireworks in you. But when does it become troublesome for your marriage?
If your husband is texting a female co-worker, you need to be sure whether the texting is platonic, friendly, work-related, or flirtatious. Instead of snooping around his phone, express your concerns to your husband and how they bother you. Give him the benefit of the doubt for your mental peace.
Your husband’s workplace is where he spends at least 8-10 hours of his day, and friendships are bound to happen sooner or later. You need to take this into account when judging his behavior. However, he should never cross some boundaries.
Steps You Can Take When Your Husband Is Texting A Female Co-worker
For best results, make these steps an active part of your life even when the current problem is solved. They will help you in the long run.
1. Speak Your Heart Out To Your Husband
Learn to talk with your partner more because communicating elsewhere will not be as effective.
We often seek help on social media, forums, through friends but forget to take the key step of directly talking to the person involved.
Don’t fret over coming across as needy or clingy. As long as you are polite and communicative, you have all the right to express your concerns.
After all, you are his wife, and both of you have some moral responsibilities towards each other.
That includes listening to the woes of the other person and helping them out. Get all misunderstandings cleared out as it can make and break your home.
2. Take An Interest In Your Husband’s Life
Don’t be the wife who couldn’t care less about what is going on in her husband’s life but suddenly gets all possessive when some other female gets close to him.
Take an interest in his life and his work. Make a habit of asking about his day and casually talking about his office life.
Little things like whether or not he is enjoying his job make a big difference.
You may not solve the actual problem but will at least give your husband a space to rant.
This will also ensure that your husband feels close to you and doesn’t drift off due to emotional unavailability.
Don’t let him become aloof. It is a great way to keep things transparent and know your partner more.
TABLE: Biggest Reasons Behind Office Romance Leading To Cheating
|Common places of visit like gyms, bars, a class, outside office||7%|
|Working together late at night||41%|
|Frequently seeking help or being asked to help||39%|
|Stressful environment at home||45%|
Note: Percentage does not equal to 100 due to overlapping reasons.
3. Ask Questions About The New Girl
If you doubt that your husband may have formed a close relationship with his female co-worker, then don’t blindly follow your thoughts and jump to conclusions.
Talk to your husband and ask questions about the kind of relationship he has with this woman. Are they just colleagues, or have they become good friends?
Of course, your husband might lie if the relationship is non-platonic. But asking questions ensures that whatever is going on is quite clear.
It will not stop your husband from cheating on you if he absolutely wants to but will allow you to judge his reactions. He will be caught off guard.
He might try and be more discrete in the future, which is again not a problem because you can never stop an unfaithful person from doing what they want.
But if he has a clear conscience, he will understand your concerns and might even enjoy seeing his darling wife get a bit jealous and possessive.
Acting cool when you are not fools nobody.
4. Watch Out For The Obvious Red Flags
While having faith in your husband and the sanctity of your marriage is one thing, don’t turn a blind eye towards the obvious red flags.
Don’t take everything your husband says as the gospel. More than his words, observe his actions. Has his behavior changed a lot recently?
When we start liking a person or are inspired by them, we often start imitating them subconsciously.
Do you see any new words or phrases in his vocabulary? Or his particular way of doing something feels different now?
See if his words align with his actions.
If he says nothing is going on, but at the same time, you find him texting this co-worker late at night with a smile on his face, the canvas is not blank.
5. Seek Help From Close Aides
When in doubt, confide into a close confidante.
There is no shame in seeking outside help if something feels too overwhelming to handle on your own.
A third person’s perspective often makes us see things that we might be missing.
It can also stop us from acting irrationally or making a complete fool of ourselves.
However, make sure that the person you approach is mature enough to have an unbiased. Else, it will be two people putting fuel into the fire.
6. Be Specific About Things That Bother You
Tell him exactly what part of their actions you don’t like. Being vague or having no concrete examples only weakens your argument.
Also, it forces one to rely on rhetoric like raising your voice to drive the point across.
Rather, have logical arguments that can better explain your feelings.
It could be the two carpooling together to the office or spending time after office hours. It could also be something as simple as texting more often than required.
7. Help Your Husband Set Easy Boundaries
Due to being co-workers, your husband won’t be able to cut all ties with the woman you envy at once.
And he shouldn’t just because you feel insecure and uncomfortable. They will still have to see each other every day and work together on projects.
Otherwise, where is the line being drawn? Today it is this one woman who makes you question the intentions of your husband, tomorrow it might be someone else.
You’ll have to battle your insecurities and win over them. However, the caveat is not crossing an accepted boundary in marriage.
What can you do to help set some boundaries together as a couple, not only for him but also for yourself?
Have a list of specific things which make you and your husband uncomfortable when a third person is involved.
The goal is to find a middle ground regarding not indulging in certain behaviors.
There will be deep discussions and arguments regarding feeling too restricted, but these will only help you understand each other better as a couple.
Also, keep in mind that both of you are humans and living in a civilized society at the end of the day.
Don’t put down certain conditions that will make the other person feel like they are living in prison.
Don’t be unreasonable with your demands and preach only what you practice. No room for hypocrisy there.
8. Be The Change You Want To Bring
If you want to change your husband’s traits that make you uncomfortable in male-female interactions, then lead with an example rather than expecting him to know everything.
If you’re asking him not to text his female co-worker, you too shouldn’t text your male co-workers, ever.
But would that be reasonable and give rise to a healthy relationship? Never.
Keeping your communication strictly professional at the office, not engaging in unnecessary gossip, chitchats, and having a healthy work-home balance can also help your husband understand what you expect.
But your husband will never understand what is wrong with some healthy flirting with a co-worker if he sees you doing the same even if he isn’t flirting with an intention of retribution.
Still, don’t expect him to emulate what you do as he is not you. Try being more understanding in your approach.
9. You Will Have To Learn To Let Go
You cannot keep your husband chained and direct him with a whip at the end of the day.
If, after several discussions and explicitly showing him what’s bothering you, he doesn’t change his actions, you have to let go.
His behavior can only mean two things. Either he doesn’t love you enough to make little changes for the sake of keeping you happy.
Or, he finds your behavior and your apprehensions unjustified (even if they are not). Either way, you’ll have to stop discussing the topic anymore.
When unrestricted, if he goes on to cheat on you, it only shows that it would have happened sooner or later with some other woman, if not this one.
And if he never does, it means that while constant chatting or this woman’s company is something your husband likes, it isn’t because of the reasons you think.
Sooner or later, you’ll get your answers, so there is no point in ruining your present any further.
Behaviors To Avoid When Your Husband Is Texting A Female Co-worker
Indulging in certain behaviors can escalate the situation very quickly, resulting in a broken marriage. Here is a list of things to absolutely avoid:
1. Nagging Will Not Help You
Most women start complaining a lot and don’t realize their transition from loving, caring, reasonable partners to nagging, annoying wives.
If you keep complaining to your husband every day and pick arguments, then it’s going to make your marriage sour.
Your husband will seek peace outside the house and may even end up finding solace in his female co-worker’s company.
This will be stupidly detrimental to your own cause. Healthy discussions are encouraged, but conflicts are to be avoided at all costs.
2. Don’t Accuse Him Of Cheating Without Evidence
Accusing your partner of cheating is a huge deal. After this, he may lose respect for you, and there will be no trust between the two of you.
Your relationship won’t be the same either. Don’t let your irrational thoughts get the better of you.
Never blame your husband for infidelity when you are not sure about what’s going on. Gather concrete evidence before pointing fingers.
Also, it doesn’t mean that you should be spying on him all day, and catching him red-handed becomes the sole objective of your life.
That won’t help you either. If something is wrong, you’ll get to know about it sooner or later.
Avoid unnecessary arguments as they are not healthy for your marriage and your peace of mind.
3. Being Jealous Only Reveals Your Insecurities
Whenever he mentions this female co-worker, don’t act irrationally or behave weirdly. This includes acting jealous or getting mad at him.
It will stop him from sharing things with you in the future. He will start keeping things to himself, and you’ll feel even more separated from him.
Never forget to keep the lines of communication open.
Let him know that you are okay with frequent texting (even though you’re not) as long as he does not hide things from you or cheat on you.
And ultimately, your objective should be to become so secure about your own identity and attractiveness that your husband talking to any other female should not bother you.
This will eliminate the need to fake comfort like you’re doing currently.
For this, you need to become an attractive and confident woman who knows that if your husband does cheat on you, it will be his loss at the end of the day.
4. Don’t Threaten Or Blackmail Your Husband
Do not threaten your husband about leaving the house or divorcing him. He may not react kindly to such threats and retaliate.
Your threats may even come across as a challenge and compel him to behave in a retributive way to drive the point that you have no right to control him.
Trying to control him will only going to worsen the situation. Try to deal with things peacefully and address his concerns as much as possible.
Do not abuse or become violent because you cannot go back in time and reverse your actions.
If hurtful comments or actions come from someone you love, they hurt the most.
You’ll lose respect in your husband’s eyes forever, and he won’t be able to forget your behavior for the rest of his life.
5. Don’t Unleash The Sherlock Within You
Spying on your partner in a relationship makes things ugly. Not only is it ethically wrong, but you can also find yourself in legal trouble if there is no extramarital affair.
Before indulging in spying or snooping through his phone, ask yourself the million-dollar question, what’s the need to do it? If he’s not cheating on you, why worry?
And if he’s cheating on you, then too, why worry because he isn’t going to stop. You’ll only alert him, and he’ll make even more efforts to cover his tracks.
He might even start deleting his chats even if they are just casual conversations so that you don’t get furious and start a fight.
However, if you do catch him red-handed sooner or later and he is unaware of it, talk to an attorney who can help you proceed the right way if you’re contemplating divorce.
Else, talk to your husband about his deeds and then decide your course of action.
There is no need to stress yourself by taking matters into your own hands in both situations.
6. Don’t Become Over Possessive
Sooner or later, your husband will realize that you are becoming over-possessive and are suspicious of everything he does.
He will be under constant fear that anything can trigger you at any time.
To avoid fighting and maintaining harmony at home, he will start hiding even the simplest things from you. Gradually, you’ll only drift apart as a couple.
Don’t act paranoid and become overprotective. Don’t restrain his freedom and breathing space because it will suffocate him and make him leave you for good.
You need to deal with this situation sanely and with a clear mind.
Male-Female Co-worker Boundaries
It is quite common for co-workers to develop a liking for each other since they work together for long hours. However, some boundaries must be strictly respected.
See if your husband has crossed any of the following:
1. Your Husband Should Not Call Her His Work Wife
Using such terms for your co-worker, even if said jokingly, can give wrong ideas to the other person.
Things that start as a joke often turn into something serious sooner or later.
Personal connections and sharing things with someone close at the office, though wonderful, can be fatal to your marriage, especially if a woman is involved.
Your husband should know how to keep things professional with everyone at the office and never say anything that can spark things up with someone.
2. Co-workers Who’re Married Or Committed Shouldn’t Flirt With Others
Flirting with a co-worker if you’re married or committed to someone else is unethical, even if done healthily.
Your husband should not flirt for fun at his workplace because you never know when things will take a turn and complicate things between him and the girl he is flirting with.
The next thing you know, there is some sort of an affair going on.
Thus, your husband should know better that he shouldn’t play with fire because things can get out of control pretty quickly, even when we feel we are in complete control.
3. Avoiding Solo Encounters
Be it your husband having lunch with a female co-worker when the work does not demand it or asking her out for dinner or drinks after office hours is a strict no-no.
This does not include situations where other people are involved, and it becomes more of a group outing.
This way, your husband won’t build a personal connection or attachment with a female co-worker.
While having complete freedom to make choices is how a marriage should work, a spouse has certain responsibilities and must follow a code of conduct.
However, you should be open enough to let a rare occurrence go without questioning your husband. It is only a problem if it happens frequently enough.
4. Maintaining A Professional Distance
It is important to have a good relationship with your co-workers to not come across as rude or arrogant.
But at the same time, one should not become too close and maintain a healthy distance.
Unnecessary chitchats and delving into the personal life of a female colleague is a sign that your husband is crossing the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
Further, any form of physical contact apart from a formal hug or handshake is bound to trigger some landmines in the other person, either positively or negatively.
It means that the woman with whom your husband is trying to get comfortable might report him for getting too touchy and feely (even if he has no wrong intention).
Or she can assume that he is interested in her and it’s okay to let something develop.
5. Treating Every Co-Worker Equally Is A Must
Whether or not someone is actually your husband’s favorite at the office, he should refrain from giving one particular person all the extra attention, especially if it’s a female.
Doing so will show him in a bad light as the office Casanova or a partial person.
Further, it may develop feelings of jealousy, anger, and hurt in others.
Treating everyone equally and not indulging in favoritism at the workplace will help your husband build a good reputation.
It will allow others to stand up for him if and when there is a false accusation or misunderstanding.
6. Saying No To Workplace Affairs Is A Mutual Task
We all know the complication of workplace affairs, be it legal or personal. Your husband may end up losing his job.
And needless to say, you’ll be dragged into the battle and would have to deal with all the unwanted stress which will affect your personal life.
As a couple, it is a mutual responsibility to keep a check on things to avoid complex situations much later down the line.
This includes your husband having the willpower to not stray and drift to a point where he cheats on you.
It also involves you being quite open, frank, and understanding about his interaction with female colleagues.
Remember, the more you try to put him on a leash, the more he’ll want to break free.
Is It Okay For A Married Man To Text A Female Co-worker?
As a general rule, it is okay for a married man to text a female co-worker if there are no hidden motives like wanting an affair and cheating on your wife. Work-related communication often requires texting beyond office hours. However, it isn’t a daily routine, and the conversation is professional.
Here are a few key points about such forms of communication.
1. The Conversation Is Professional
It’s okay if your husband is texting his female co-worker regarding work. In today’s busy world, it becomes difficult to separate our personal life from our professional life.
Sometimes work finds its way to your home, and you can’t put it off because it’s urgent.
You need to balance things by being understanding on your part and cutting your husband some slack for working hard.
And if it bothers you that he is bringing his office home, then let him know the same. Tell him not to compromise on family time.
But these texts or verbal conversations should be work-related. A bit of small talk in the beginning or at the end is normal because your husband isn’t a robot.
But, anything that feels unnecessary should give rise to discomfort in you, and it is normal.
2. Platonic Texting Is Okay
Co-workers can also become good friends. You spend five days a week and around eight to nine hours a day in the office.
It is unlikely that you will only talk about work and nothing else with your co-worker.
One would want to make their workspace fun and engaging by making friends unless they are introverts and don’t like company.
If your husband has work friends, be it male or female, who sometimes text him, there is nothing much to worry about.
As long as the crux of all these interactions is boring chitchat, with most of it revolving around work, you can rest assured.
3. Your Husband Is Transparent About The Conversations
You shouldn’t stop him from texting his female co-workers if he keeps things transparent with you.
He is not hiding anything from you, and you know exactly what type of connection he shares with this woman.
He would usually tell you what they talked about and what’s going on in her life.
And if you can meet this woman, even better, because it means that your husband had no reason to hide her from you.
However, transparency doesn’t mean compelling your husband to show his phone or secretly going through their texts.
The sharing of texts or the crux of the conversation should be voluntary.
4. Texting Shouldn’t Be Frequent
You shouldn’t bother about your husband texting a female co-worker if it is not frequent.
However, talking to some other woman daily can lead your husband to get attached to her or become habitual to her presence in his life.
Why? Because it is human nature to get attached.
If something like this happens, then you can ask your man to keep a strictly professional relationship with this woman.
You could always discuss the male-female co-worker boundaries and what bothers you.
5. The Wife Has No Issues
A married man can call or text his co-workers if his wife knows all about it and she is completely okay with it.
But if she feels jealous and it hurts her to see her husband frequently talking to another woman, the man should sort things out with his wife first.
In a marriage, you have certain responsibilities towards your better half.
But if your husband doesn’t pay heed to your concerns, especially when texting this woman frequently isn’t absolutely essential due to work, you need to stand firm.
Because neglecting your concerns only shows that your husband doesn’t care enough about you.
6. Your Husband Isn’t The Kind To Have An Extramarital Affair
The biggest risk of your husband talking consistently to a female co-worker is infidelity.
You’ll always be doubtful of his actions for the rest of your life in case he cheats even once.
Not that you should continue living with him after he cheats on you, but that’s a topic for some other time.
Don’t worry if you know that his love for you is true and he is loyal to you. He won’t develop feelings for her because his heart would be overwhelmed with you.
But that is a rosy world to live in. Better watch out for the obvious red flags and stick to ground realities.
The chances of your husband cheating on you with his co-worker become minimal if you share a great connection and relationship.
Don’t let your husband feel the need to seek company elsewhere. Be his best friend and a great lover.
Don’t be too restrictive, though, as he may feel you are taking away his freedom. Have faith in each other and stick together through thick and thin.
Grant him all the freedom to cross boundaries, but when he does, also be firm enough to leave him and never look back.